Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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