you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
