yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
