Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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