just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
