A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
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If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
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How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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