I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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