But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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