Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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