I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
