why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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