my room smells like sperm. sweet.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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