im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
