Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
