I CAN MOONWALK!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
