The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
