Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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