I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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