cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
