i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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