No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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