I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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