Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
