i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
