So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am midnight drunk by noon
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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