I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
