Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
