jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
