1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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