she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
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I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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