Umm I'm too high to move.
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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