So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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