Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
