Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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