I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
