he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
