The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
