I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
