someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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