she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
