I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
