I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
