I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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