John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
