But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
that's an acceptable place to lick
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
