Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize