if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
