New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
