The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize
