I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
