you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
