we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
