Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
