who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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