I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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