I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
