just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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